dealing with opportunity

Yesterday I was able to go to Napa Valley with my supervisor Gloria and her two friends from her church, Mark and Julie (I've met so many 'J' named people out here). Anywho, the rolling hills of California are no joke - they are beautiful and expansive and green spotted yellow vistas that literally take the breath from you. We drove down 29, the main stretch of winery action, and stopped at a few places so that some things could be purchased. As we were enjoying the caressing breezes and smooth heat of the area, I realized how much I wanted those that I love to be there with me seeing what I was seeing. And I began thinking of all of the things that I've been able to do in the past few years of my life that I never would have thought I would be given the chance to and how it was all culminating here - across the country from all that I know being taken care of and attended to and seeing the sights of the world that millions of people dream about seeing. Why is it that I get the chance to do this, to be able to experience so much? I know that I'm not more worthy than anyone else, and yet it is me who is here, not my mom or dad or brother or friends or anybody else - I'm in this place experiencing these blessings and given the opportunity and privilege to look into how other people live. I hid the tears as best as I could because I know that sometimes I can get a little emotional, but at that moment I was so caught up by the beauty and kindness and joy that I have had the chance to have and yet there are so many who are just as deserving. Other questions came to mind, but it wasn't until I stopped really thinking that I was able to say, "God, this really is your trip. I don't deserve to be here anymore than anyone else, and I would gladly and wholeheartedly give all that I have so that others are able to feel special and worthy and everything else on the spectrum of experiences that I have had." I know that this is a little like rambling, but I was really hit at the gravity of blessings as well, that it is necessary to recognize them and to work so that others have experiences just as moving and life changing and full of growth and questions and opportunities. I recognized that I needed to experience this 'why' moment so that I can continue to change my perspective to the "now what" phase - I am experiencing these things, and instead of just recognizing that they're my reality, I need to think in terms of how this is helping me grow and that somewhere down the pike there will be a connection to this moment. Screw thinking in linear thought - every moment of every breath is connected to the next, and not just to our own experiences, but to everyone else's - those who have come, those that are, and those yet to breathe in the life and moments that we have had.

____________________________________________

Today was the first day of summer school, and Lord knows it was interesting. Lunch was delivered late, so trying to control the kids was fun; there are some kids who are (literally) screaming for attention, and silent ones who need it just as much as the others. There are a lot of things that will need to be learned along the way, and I'm sure that things will be explained as time passes. I'm beat though, and the chaos of today will diminish just a little bit. We're going to the wax museum on Wednesday which should be fun, and I hope to add some more pictures up here soon. My thoughts are all over the place, but I'll leave you with something that is in the handbook that Alycia and Kim had for us at training because I think it will inspire a lot of us to keep on trucking:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate; our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you NOT to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." - Mary Ann Williams

Shine on my friends, shine on!!!

Authority Song

1 Timothy 4:12

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith, and in purity.

Tomorrow I'm meeting with all of the teacher's assistants for the first time - all 25 of them. We're going over all of the basic duties and policies that they'll need to know and live by for the next eight weeks. I'm excited to finally get to know them better and interact with them outside of the interview setting where they were feeding us textbook answers. I didn't really pay attention to what they were saying, but really how they were saying it and their body language and such. I noticed that a lot of them were very nervous and shy; some were outspoken, especially when it came to why they were there (my favorite responses were that "I want to see how my parents suffer" and also "This is good birth control for me to prevent me from having sex before I'm really prepared." From the mouths of babes, yeah?)

Anywho, the majority of them have been here before and have worked with the people here; because of that I'm also hearing some of their back story on the way that they behaved last year and if they're really here to work for the children or if they're here to please their parents and college admissions offices. A lot of them were insecure in their answers, a lot of people identified as followers. The ones that were apparently really frustrating to work with last year seemed to be the most insecure about their answers and choices. I don't know if I'm just looking too much into these kid's situations, but it seems that maybe they really haven't been put into a position of authority or responsibility (especially the kids whose parent's filled out their paperwork for them ;D), but I hope that being in charge of children will help to create another layer to them of self respect and responsibility. Maybe I'm too naive or gullible, but I hope that this experience will really allow them see this as a way to personally grow and not just for their parents.

I'm also glad that I got to talk to my family this past weekend, and I've realized how much I miss them and really really love them. And also for my friends, especially the new ones that I've made through this program. I pray that all of these amazing, courageous, joyful, inspiring, loving, giving, serving people continue to find balance and joy in their lives, and God willing I hope to be a part of that experience.

Peace.

Seriously? I've already been here a week?!?

The pace of life is a little different out here, and trying to get oriented to it has left me with little time to reflect, journal, or blog. My days have been pretty much from 8:30-8:30, leaving me a little drained and in need of some introvert power-ups!
For the sake of sanity, I'm combining this past week into one blog, and now that I'm getting a little more used to my schedule I'll *hopefully* get better on the upkeep.

Monday
- Met the staff two or three times as well as had two or three tours of Gum Moon and the Asian Women's Resource Center (AWRC)
- Gloria, my supervisor, gave me a brief history of the place (food for thought - 'Gum Moon' means golden gate...who'd a thunk it :D
- Went through my schedule of events that I'm going to attend while I'm here
- Interviewed Teaching Assistant Coordinators who will be in charge of scheduling the TAs and making sure that they're doing their work
- Helped with preparing for the after school program
- Met some of the kids (so cute!) and the TAs (really helpful)

Tuesday
- Left at 8:30am for training on the city summer food program, where various organizations in the community open up their doors to children over the summer to give them free meals; the training lasted until 12:30pm.
- Began making an interview schedule for the TAs to come in on Thursday, Friday, and Monday (have I ever mentioned that I really dislike making phone calls?)
- Helped with the after school program
- Another training at 5:30pm for teens/twenty-somethings working with kids over the summer about how to be a good mentor, how to keep the kids from entertaining themselves, how to encourage good habits more so than just look for the bad, and a few games and techniques to keep the kids calm and quiet (such as chants like "when I say nacho you say cheese - nacho!" "Cheese!" "Nacho!" "Cheese", and also games like baseless baseball and heel-toe tag)
- Called TA coordinators to offer them positions - congrats Julie and Melissa!
- I did laundry finally - and no offense to Gum Moon but its definitely creepy and eerie being in the basement at 11pm waiting by the machine (I didn't know how long it would take, and I didn't want to hold up anyone else from using it). From this I've learned to do laundry before dark

Wednesday
- Began making a database of crafts to do with instructions and supplies (thanks Mom for proofreading it - 'slit up the kids' definitely is not 'split up the kids'
- Continued to make calls about TA interviews
- Helped prepare for the end of school carnival for Thursday with Tammy
- Went to dinner with Montira and Liz, another one of my coworkers, where we met up with two other women who had previously worked at AWRC, Michelle and Evelyn (so many names to remember, I hope these are right!)
- Walked in downtown for a little bit, including the Macy's - so many shoes!!!

Thursday
- Helped make raffle ticket booklets for the fund raiser with TA Sydney
- Finished helping with preparations for the carnival with Tammy
- Had the carnival!! Really fun to play with the kids and see them enjoy themselves and let some steam off
- Interviewed a few of the TA hopefuls with Julie and Tammy - I've come to learn that these are just formal introductions as all of the TAs are generally accepted ;D
- Talked more with Julie about what goes on in Frisco and our shared obsession of country music

Friday
- Susan, who is in charge of the residents of Gum Moon and also of the front desk, let me know that Sydney and I had made a mistake in counting the booklets, so now my nails are testament that whoever invented the staple remover is a genius
- Held more interviews/formal introductions
- Made more phone calls letting the TAs know about the mandatory orientation this coming Tuesday
- Went through the orientation schedule with Julie, Tammy, and finalized it with Gloria and Lillian (who has been with AWRC since it was founded in the 80s and pretty much knows everything and anyone involved with AWRC or Gum Moon)
- Hurried to change and meet Gloria for a Lion's Club installation dinner where the club passed out donated money to all of the various social service groups in Chinatown; I met Mr. Louie (spelling?), a former president of the AWRC who is a delightful and wonderful person to have as a dinner partner and who I hope to speak with again

Saturday
- 'Slept in' - woo hoo 9am!! (my room has a window that every morning usually wakes me up at sunrise so I usually wake up then, but today I just rolled back over for a few more hours)
- Facebooked, read, played a little bit of the Sims (that's for you Ashley!), and then went downtown for a little bit of shopping (I couldn't help it - they were having sales everywhere and I found a bag that will suit me well for the summer! ;D)
- Cooked some ravioli and have been vegging ever since - I'm looking up all of the sights and sounds that I'd like to see while I'm here - tomorrow I'm going to the San Fran Museum of Modern Art to see the newly opened Frida Kahlo exhibit!!! AHH!!!! yay!

The weather had been pretty atypical of San Fran so I hear - clear skies, fairly warm, not as windy - until today where it was just a little bit foggy until the afternoon where you definitely needed a jacket. It's hard to remember that I need to carry a jacket around with me wherever I go because I guess I'm still used to the whole June=hot mentality.

Sorry for the obnoxious length of this blog, but I only have a little bit more to say.

Every morning when I walk down the stairs in the morning to go to the staff kitchen to get some tea and breakfast, I'm greeted with the sounds of many women and a few men rapidly speaking and laughing in Chinese - Mandarin and Cantonese - which continues pretty much all day. Whole conversations will happen right in front of me where I don't even know where to begin to form words or thoughts about what is being said - which is a little awkward at times, but thankfully Tammy and Julie and some of the other women here will translate for me or try and switch to English. I just hope that I'm not inconveniencing or hassling them. Julie and Sydney are now convinced that they are going to teach me to say some basic things.

There are a few residents here that speak Spanish who Susan took the trouble of introducing me to, and who I had to have an impromptu conversation with them in front of Gloria, Susan, Tammy, Julie, and Sydney.

__________

On a more thoughtful and reflective note, I'm realizing that I'm going to be in charge of youth and kids for a whole two months; I've done this before but under different circumstances - I've mainly worked with people that I know and with programs that I have grown up in; also, I'm realizing that I'm quickly stepping into the real world and adulthood which is and has always been a hard idea for me. I've struggled through my teen years trying to come to grips with realizing that I do have authority in some instances and that it is good to share that with others. I know that I've done these things before, but in watching Tammy and Julie, and even the TAs, interact with the kids I'm doubting myself a little. But - I'm reflecting on all of the support and opportunities I've had over the years that have led me to this point. God has sent me here and has placed me here for a reason - to be here and to be a witness to the women living here who've suffered from domestic violence, to the workers who are dedicating their lives to give resources to the community, to the community who struggles with conflicting cultures and expectations, and to the little ones who want to be loved and attended to. I'm realizing that maybe my struggle to find my voice should be used to help others find theirs with my own - making another option instead of the path of least resistance - silence.

Provider and creator God, help us to see that feelings of inadequacy and hopelessness are growing pains and the proof that you are creating in all of us something new. We should feel uncomfortable at moments, just as we should be able to experience times of relief, because life without the other would not be life at all. We praise you for the breath in our bodies, the strength in our bodies, and the weakness of our bodies so that we may live in solidarity as beings sharing paths with one another.

Arrival and the Hills

Flying to the Bay went well - mainly spent sleeping, listening to Juanes, and reading Harry Potter 1 in Spanish. We were delayed a little because it seemed every plane wanted to leave JFK at the exact same moment, but we made it nonetheless. At the San Fran Int'l Airport I made my way to baggage claim where I was greeted by a sign bearing my name which was held by Montira, staff of Gum Moon AWRC (http://www.gbgm-umc.org/awrc/index.htm) and former Summer Intern/US-2. I was grateful for her helpfulness in getting me out of the airport and onto BART and into the city as well as answering some of my basic questions and sharing some of her story.
We navigated through the crowds of people exiting the subway on Market Street, and the first things I noticed as I surfaced was a beautiful clear sky and rainbow flags - what a glorious greeting! And then we walked to Gum Moon, which is up a hill or two (or three). It was later that night when I was enjoying dinner with Gloria my supervisor, Eva the bookkeeper, and Tammy my coworker that I realized it was a little ridiculous to travel that far on foot with all of the baggage I had - but we had a good laugh because of it. All of the people I've met so far have been very gracious and just seem to emit a good aura. I'm very grateful for their kindness and for the peace I've felt that has helped me land into this new reality.
Today I went to Tammy's church (Cumberland Presbyterian Chinese Church [CPCC]) which is on the same block as Gum Moon, where I attended the Youth/English service as well as the Sunday School afterwards where I again met some wonderful people who greeted me warmly and who I look forward to seeing and getting to know more. At one point in the service though, there was a time when California was compared to Sodom and Gomorrah because of the tolerance of homosexuality - which was hard to hear because of what I've experienced and studied in what the Bible says as well as my own life experience. At first I was caught off guard, but as I've reflected on it throughout the day I've remembered that my theology isn't the same as everyone else's and that it is necessary to respect people (simple enough right?). I think this past week in NYC training and learning how to practice God's mission in sharing paths with others has and will help me see points of view that are not my own and also to acquire different lenses to see the many realities that make up this world.
On another note, tomorrow I will be meeting the rest of Gum Moon's staff as well as more orientation about what I'll be doing for the summer. As of right now, I'll be working with the after school program until the summer school for children in grades 1-6 starts later on in June. I'll be teaching arts and crafts as well as being a mentor and taking the children on field trips and such. I'm really grateful and excited to be working with children, and I can't wait to meet them.
This past week I've been able to see where God is taking me and how he has blessed my life with so many good people and opportunities, as well as moments of doubt and pain which I know will help me relate to others. I'm very fortunate to have this opportunity and I get a good gut feeling about this way of life - living in a manner of doing God's mission, of letting others share their lives with me so that I may join them in solidarity in their suffering and their joys, and to help create a fullness of life for all people because we are all His creation and we all have a spark and flame that is something greater than we can ever truly comprehend.

Drained.

So to say the least I am very glad and happy to be where I am right now - laying on my bed in Greenwich Village, listening to some Bob Dylan, reflecting on what I'm going through. These past few days I've been preparing for my trip to San Francisco as a Mission Intern and not in the ways I had expected - most of the time was spent in reflection and communion with each other. We met with some impressively humble and serving people who I am glad to have come to meet and hear their story. This entire time has definitely been a blessing filled with joy and concern and inspiration, but I'm soaking up so much information that I'm just plain drained that I'm looking forward to setting things into place and putting this information to good use. There is a peace that is coming over me, because these past few years I have been studying the church and social work and where God is calling me, and I feel that this is where I'm going. I never thought of considering being a missionary - someone who goes to people and listens to their stories and shares in their life for a moment in history - but it seems to encompass a lot of what I'm searching and passionate for - people, storytelling, gathering of information, fighting for all people's rights, learning, growing, and a life centered around the journey. I hope that this internship will help me grow in what God is calling me to do, and I pray that we will be able to enjoy and grow in our steps together.